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Joey's Top Fifteen-ish Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
1. I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.


2. I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.


3. Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.


4. I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.


5. I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.


6. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.


7. I'd rather be rich than stupid.


8. I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."


9. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.


10. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.


11. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.


12. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.


13. If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.


14. When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.


15. I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.


16. We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.